Why the Sex isn’t Working (and What to Do About It)
Sex is supposed to be natural, right? Effortless. Hot. Intuitive. Something that just works if the chemistry is there, without effort or communication.
That story falls apart pretty quickly, and we’re faced with the reality of human complexity.
For a lot of us, especially those of us living, loving, and fucking outside of normative scripts, sex isn’t magic that just happens without consciously working and communicating about it. Queer relationships, non-monogamy, kink, trans bodies, disabled bodies, neurodivergence… all of these realities expand what’s possible, but they also expose how strongly our sexual knowledge is tied to cis-heteronormative, monocentric, and ableist scripts.
So when sex stops working, or never quite gets off the ground, it’s easy to assume something is wrong with your body, your desire, or your relationship.
More often, what’s actually missing is context.
Sex doesn’t exist in a vacuum
One of the most persistent myths about sex is that it can be fixed in isolation. Better technique, better communication during sex, better toys, better timing, and everything will fall into place.
But as a sex therapist I know that sex is porous. It absorbs everything around it.
Resentment. Stress. Power dynamics. Unspoken expectations. The quiet ways we stop reaching for each other. The ways we don’t feel seen, or don’t know how to ask to be. Fighting to have enough space in your partner’s life, bickering about dishes, or feeling like you have to fix your mate’s anxiety don’t make a great foundation for sexy times.
Before we can focus on the sex, we have to look at how we relate.
Learning how to actually engage conflict – safely, empathetically, with open ears and hearts – is often the first shift that makes intimacy and sex possible again.
For many queer and trans people, there’s an additional layer: we’re building intimacy outside normative templates and scripts. That can be liberating, but it also means we don’t always have shared language or reference points for when things go sideways.
This is where Fight, the first part of the Why the Sex Isn’t Working series, begins.
Not with sex itself, but with the tensions in the relationship that cock(/cunt) block us. The arguments that aren’t really about what they seem and frustrations that leave us avoiding contact. Patterns of avoidance, escalation, or shutdown that make intimacy feel unsafe or exhausting. Learning how to actually engage conflict – safely, empathetically, with open ears and hearts – is often the first shift that makes intimacy and sex possible again.
Pleasure needs space to exist
Even when conflict is addressed, something else is often missing: fun, fondness, and admiration.
It’s hard to want sex in a relationship that feels like routine and logistics. Scheduling. Problem-solving. Emotional maintenance. Who’s doing what, when, and why didn’t you text back.
Desire doesn’t thrive under constant pressure or obligation. It needs room to play.
Desire doesn’t thrive under constant pressure or obligation. It needs room to play. For us to access our desire for each other, we have to remember why we love each other, what we admire about each other, and why our partners are so hot. To play in the sack we have to play outside of it, too. We must support and adore each other while holding on to our own agency, resilience, and power. Find enjoyment in (and out of) each other’s company.
The Fun part of the series is about everything that isn’t sex, but makes sex possible. Shared joy. Curiosity. The feeling of liking each other. The small, often overlooked moments where connection is built or eroded. And cutting (or loosening) the cords where we’re too enmeshed.
For many of us, especially in activist or care-heavy communities, relationships can become very serious, very quickly. We carry on our shoulders the sorrows of our own lives, our partners’ struggles, and the weight of the world. Care is important, but sometimes it leaves us stripped of lightness, and dependent on each other in ways that don’t leave space for independence and excitement.
Reintroducing fun isn’t about forcing playfulness; it’s about noticing where it’s gone missing, and what conditions might let it come back.
Sex is something you do together, not something you perform
And then, finally, there is the sex itself.
By the time we get to Fuck, the question is no longer “how do I perform good sex?” but “how do we co-create something that is hot for us, here and now?”
The only way to move forward is to accept who we are and showing up with openness
This means letting go of scripts about what sex should look like, how bodies should respond, and what counts as success. It means accepting desire and arousal as something that shifts and changes based on internal and external circumstances. It means being willing to adapt in real time, to communicate in vulnerable ways, to stay connected when things don’t go as planned. Realizing, that a lot of what we know about sex is propaganda, and the only way to move forward is to accept who we are and showing up with openness.
For queer, trans, and non-normative bodies, this is often where the most relief happens. Not in finding the “right” way to have sex, but in realizing there isn’t one. Embracing the best sex you can have while still being unapologetically you.
This is not about fixing yourself
There’s a particular kind of loneliness in feeling like your sex life isn’t working, especially when everyone else seems to have it figured out (or at least they aren’t talking about the hard parts.)
What this workshop series offers isn’t a quick fix or a set of universal answers. It’s a framework for understanding where things break down, and a set of tools for engaging with challenges in your partnership(s) in a way that creates new space for play.
If we’re already outside the script, we might as well build something that actually fits.
It’s also a space that explicitly centers queer, kink-aware, and non-normative experiences. Because if we’re already outside the script, we might as well build something that actually fits.
Why the Sex Isn’t Working (and what to do about it) is a three-part workshop series: Fight, Fun, Fuck – with Sex Therapist and Educator Ceci Ferox. Join with your partner or polycule, and expect to actively work on your shit and have tough conversations in real time during the workshops. You can join for the live classes or work with the recordings at your own pace – all three workshops are available for two weeks after the series is finished.
